My fear and paranoia

I'm going 32 this year. New year poses greater fear than it was. News of Andre's upcoming wedding still ringing in my ears. What have I achieved?
In the discomfort of my sleep last night I'd just passed into dream state. I saw myself saying good bye to vicky with all the paranoia of she having a shared black boyfriend with her girlfriend. Aside from that, I also entertained the fear of unemployment. I told her I lost my job. I saw myself sitting in a nightmarket stall, filthy and belligerent Indonesian were chatting and bullying eachother near the other corner. I had no food on my table. I got an LCD screen where I search 104.com for job vacancy.
I saw my old and weak dad coming from another corner under the dim light of petromax. He greeted me hello as if I were a stranger, then he said he was going back to to bed attending his shop. He was a coward, and I was a fool. I sat there in the midst of crooks and felons, and I still pretend that I'm safe and okay. It wasn't okay anymore. Flashes of friends came into scenes. I saw Luoxin on my way back from the nightmarket, and begged him to introduce me for a job. Then he took me to another friend's house. I saw Rinah and A-tie losing his dad and now living with their relatives in Jakarta. I see life. Life goes on.

ax